I found this in my notes today, powerful reminder of where I come from and who I really am.

Mon 5 sept 2016

This morning arrived to my usual meeting when in AZ; a group I like because has a solid community of sobriety and newcomers regularly.

It’s a time in my life when I start seeing the good, growth and serenity coming into my life and it’s clear to me the difference of the then and now.

But today was not like the usual; today was painful, shocking, even that it is a true I well enough know about. Today a 3 year sober member came back after a binge of a week or so of alcohol and drugs. That took me to the place I was 2 years ago that scared me enough to ask for help. I saw I was going to die if I didn’t change mi lifestyle. Everyone who shared welcome him back, but one member said something different that clicked on my mind and provoke a lot of thinking:

“Not everyone who pats your back is your friend and not everyone that kicks you in the ass is your enemy.”

So true for me, I have always been welcome in AA; and still went out and relapsed numerous times; after that I’ve been welcome again and again with open arms and every time I went out I ended at the same spot I was before AA; in my case it never got worse cause  for me would have meant death.

I never came back for the welcoming; I always came back cause I didn’t want to die, plain and simple.

So, what I get from today and think I want to say is that I feel of course some happiness, empathy and some sense of hope when someone comes back but I also know that every time gets harder to come back, like other person said every time someone goes out there is a chance he/she won’t make it back.

Someone said to me once:

I don’t want to try to find out if I can manage my drinking after 20 years sober; why would I gamble with my life?

Today I can say that there is no gamble in that, in gambling there is a chance for you to win; in picking up I know I won’t have that chance.

Stay strong, accept defeat.  Stay alive.