October 17, 2018
Eduardo Glen Mora
My daughter just got her first job; she is 18 and hopes to be able to start College next spring. She has worked before (for me), but, this is the first time she looked for a real job (I call it that way) where she can actually get fired if she doesn’t step up to the task. I have to say I feel very good about it. I see it as the result of long talks, and I want to believe, thanks to deep thinking on her behalf about her reality and her future too.
We had breakfast this morning, and she told me about it, how did she found about the job, asked for it and eventually got hired. Then we moved on to less fun conversation. Just recently, we have had to discuss what she expects from me according to the ideas she has about obligations parents have to their children. Our stories are far apart, my kids had a much more comfortable ride than I did; their mother and I worked hard to make that possible, so they hadn’t to go through what we did and so they could enjoy life with better opportunities. I believe we succeeded.
But they don’t necessarily agree with this point of view, and I understand. I never agreed to anything my family thought life should be either, and that is probably just the way it is.
Today, I try to be fair, I had a second chance and wanted to be able to try to make amends and not make the same mistakes again while taking care of myself and without falling into putting myself second out of guilt.
I am an addict, and I have been clean and sober for 1037 days to this date. I was telling my daughter I forget about the 14th all the time, that is my sobriety date, and she says: well, I would say that is something good. In a way it is, I am not worried to count every single month anymore. That gives me some confidence, helps me think my recovery is solid.
This could mean something different to others; my wife, for example. I know it may make her feel a little scared that I am not “as committed” to my recovery as before; that I may be slacking or falling into complacency. I understand, someone told me once: -“You have danced to the left for so long that, now people are a little dubious if you are going to be able to keep dancing to the right. They found it hard to believe, they want to, but, you deceived them many times”- And that is true. I promised to change so many times, I cried wolf for so long, they can’t fully trust me. And perhaps this is for us, the highest price we will pay after all we made people go through with our destructive behavior in our old days.
So, I get it. We are what we do and not what we say. We have to show our loved ones, our friends, colleagues, and society who we are by our actions. We have to do our best to keep our side of the street clean no matter what others think nor waiting for recognition just because we did the right thing. It doesn’t work like that. Life doesn’t give anybody anything they don’t deserve, and other times not even what they deserve. Life sucks but Life is Life.
It is a long road, and sometimes trying to do the right thing and share our mistakes with our children does not pay very well. I know they will have to make their own, but, can’t help to try to be there for them when I can.
I can’t take back time, I can only try to use today to be better than I was yesterday. Because it is all, I have. Not 1037 days, I just have TODAY.